disappointment and me

you're one big phony, one big fake
i know now, that trusting you
was a huge mistake

i waited all night
and every time i heard footsteps
i'd look around and see
but the only thing i saw was
disappointment and me

i bought a new dress
and put on high heels
i wanted to look nice for you
so i made a great, big deal

i curled my hair
and painted my nails
i waited so long
then realized you had bailed

just in case you were there
i looked all around to see
but the only thing i saw was
disappointment and me

so i just went on home
and kicked off my heels
attacked the freezer
and made ice cream my whole meal

i sat down on the couch
and turned on the TV
the only two that were there were
disappointment and me

i heard a knock on the door
so i got up to see
i looked through the peephole
that's when disappointment left me

he came around
it took him some time
but he arrived finally
from then on, it was never just
disappointment and me

simply a poem

the crazy web i weave that seems so tangled and torn
always so messy, since the day i was born
when i fall on hard times
i want to take some lemon and limes
create a fruit cocktail
get on a boat, and take sail
off to a far away land
with coconuts and sand
and sky high palm trees
but i fall to my knees
and cover my face with my fingers
as those tears that i cry linger
waterfalls down smooth sandstone
i wish i wasn't so alone
but you don't understand
please just take my hand
let me follow you
walk in your shoes
please don't let go
i really do love you so
even maybe if you don't care
all i want is for you to share
your heart with me
can't you see
take my hand
and lets go to a far away land.

.COLLEGE SEPARATION.

as the flock is being torn and ripped apart
to go their seperate ways
to learn astounding new things
and to meet other flocks
we will always have eachother
and be able to confide in our sisterhood
then as the seasons change
and the winds change course
the flock will rejoin once again
and flap in merriment and joy
as we tell stories and laugh
like all the old times before...

what will happen

the act of moving on with my life is hard to grasp
the motions may all be taking place but the reality has not started to sink in
the bedding is being bought
the rugs, the pillows, the blankets
the ideas for appliances in the kitchen
the living room
oh, and the bathroom
the closet
college life shall be a leap of faith
the idea feels so surreal, so far away..
when in truth, its just down the street and around the corner a little ways

the idea of BEING ON MY OWN
with no parental guidance
IS SO FREEING AND WONDERFUL
but at the same time really scary, along with shorts bursts of manic moments that contain the words HOLY HELL, HOW?

the idea of leaving friends
and of friends leaving you
is sad, and heart wrenching
these bonds i've created, i don't want to break them
who knows if i'll get to see them again
but hey, nowadays there is the internet, and skype
THANK GOD FOR SKYPE
and cellphones -yeah that was a good invention
with the whole thing about how it fits into your pocket
smart move
but still...

optimism pie, i need to take a bite
hell, i need a whole slice
actually, more like the WHOLE DAMN PIE

THATDREAM

that dream, i had it.
the one where you close your eyes and drift off to sleep
where all of a sudden you're moving through clouds then suddenly, you realize you're flying
kinda like the scene in the animated version of peter pan
where you're flying above everything you know:
the town you live in, the houses, all the buildings
the whole, "i can see my house from here!!"
the feeling is wonderful.
by being so free that you can do whatever you want
doing loops and flips, going fast and then just floating along
but when you wake up.....

well, its a great dream
you should have it sometime

summer nights

its never quiet.
you never are truly alone with your thoughts

as i sit here, i hear crickets as well as an assortment of other creepy crawlers and vocal things coming from outside my window
the hum of my computer, the whir of the ceiling fan
the typing of my keys as i write this down

the calmness that is solitude
the tranquility that one needs
the peace that accompanies bliss
why does it have to be so hard to find?

an end to an era.
high school.
i have completed you.
i will soon walk across a stage, in attempting not to fall in heels in front of my whole class..
its surreal; to end something that seemed in the first place to LAST FOREVER.
something that i never imagined who have come so quickly.

and to think..
all those faces that i might never be seen again
the faces passed in the hallways
the bodies that i sat next to
the voices i heard for four years
possibly soon, they'll be just a memory.

its odd
you know, to think that its all over
with everyone branching out..maybe to never come back to the home tree
some will succeed, some are going to fail
its unbelievable
and at the same time, marvelous.

high school, i say adieu.

nights of summer

the feeling of freedom is blooming
the moments of hazy forgetfullness
hazy freedom
slighty obscurred
and surreal
ohhh sooo sweet

ohboy

so i can't remember when i was this happy, excited.
today and tonight and tomorrow are going to be amazing.
its time to have some fun
and not worry anymore

on my mind

when you're looking forward to something so much that you can't concentrate on anything else...

seashell by the sea shore

a little crack in my shell lets the tide roll in
and i don't know if i could stop it

tired

i tried optimism for a while
im tired of it
to always be looking on the brighter side of things is exhausting
completley, and utterly exhausting.
to wear a smile, when all you want to do is throw things against a wall
and see the pieces shattering towards the ground, is exhausting
when all you want to do is kick and scream
throw one of those temper tantrums little children seem to be able to get away with when mummy and daddy don't do just so so
it is exhausting to put on a facade so you are acceptable to the masses
to the people that everyday look at you and judge you
it is exhausting.
and i am tired.
no amount of sleep can pay this debt
no amount of rest
no amount of naps
i am tired


i am tired
please just let me be

all in all, i am still searching.

well...

for the life of me, i am truly happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.
possibly, if i type it enough...it will start to sink in? yes?
i want to be...oh so happy
but i just can't get over my pessimistic nature.
frustrating as ever.

iamhappy. iamhappy. iamhappy. iamhappy.
is it working yet?

4.1.2010

a walk on the wild sild
putting saran wrap on the toilet seat for april fool's day

a soldier's plea

I look to my right, it is the same terrifying scene as when I look to my left. My friends, my brothers, my sisters-they fall around me. Salty rivers roll down some of their faces, where on others- crimson tides blind their view. Some lay in the sand with eyes shocked open as they move on to a better place. Some have been scattered in so many pieces, it is difficult to tell what is what anymore. Some shriek out in pain as they are hit, others only grimace and keep moving. I must stay strong for the rest of my platoon. The some of us who survive will carry these memories long after these days are over. The days of companions alive one moment, and gone the next. The days of children running in the street surrounded by a torrent of danger- with innocent people dying everyday. The days of seeing so much red, you do not remember seeing anything else. The addiction of the bond, the never ending feeling of wanting to help your country-no matter what the cost. I can not see straight, I can not feel anything anymore. After subduing myself to the maliciousness of war-I am numb. I am numb of the heartache that I see in my family's eyes when they see me leave for another tour. I am numb of the hunger in the villager's eyes when they beg for sustenance as I walk by. I am numb.
The only alarm that makes me see straight is the job I must perform.
I serve.
I protect.
I am a soldier and this is my plea.

sleep deprived

when the idea of a new day upsets me to the point that i just want to stay awake for as long as I can because the moment I go to bed, the day comes to quickly.
when I become so anxious and nervous, that I fear I can not fall asleep when my lids begin sag and there is no way of seeing straight
but when sleep does eventually overcome my weary eyes, it comes with the pain of the mind that does not hide away your demons
the truth resides in your mind, and it does not shy away from the reality of it all.
dreams are unavoidable.
life is inexplicably always there to show you your faults
theres no hiding from it

fire

flames licking at your feet
challenging your thoughts
flames dancing in the night
the tango on hot coals
the heat on your face
burning your eyes
making you squint and blink
sparking and turning to ruin
ending only with a pile of ash
the neon shades
of orange and yellow
leave shadows in the mind
and imprints on the brain
forever there
for you to stare
when you close your eyes
all you see are those figures
vigorously, continuously dancing
kicking and screaming
to be put out
pleading for your help
writhing in purgatory

they are forever burning
those dancers you see
they may never stop
until you set them free

one.hundred.things

1. I'm one inch south of six feet tall.
2. I've got one of those hybrid dogs, Boone the goldendoodle.
3. I write-songs, poems, etc- anything and everything down.
4. I'm a long lover of country music.
5. I drive my dream car.
6. I love my jeep wrangler, I named it Jeremiah.
7. I hate it when my fingernails are painted.
8. I find comfort in chocolate, but then always feel guilty so I then go find comfort in the outside by running.
9. I run a lot.
10. I have a huge collection of Vans.
11. As well as converse.
12. I have a lot of clothes..so much so, that they do not all fit in my closet.
13. I would rather buy clothes with a twenty dollar bill then buy food.
14. My favorite color is green.
15. My second favorite is ...well either yellow or red.
16. I recently donated 10 inches of my hair to Locks of Love.
17. I had dyed a streak of my hair electric blue, but then it turned green, now it's light blonde because I had to bleach it first.
18. I really want to skydive the moment I turn 18 in June.
19. I also desire to get a tattoo, but am slightly not so sure.
20. Oh yes, I do really want to be in the FBI after college.
21. I want to be a criminal profiler.
22. I wish I lived somewhere else.
23. I wish I grew up somewhere else.
24. I live in a damn bubble, and I hate it.
25. I miss California and North Carolina.
26. Flying Burritos.
27. Ford Champions.
28. I enjoy earthy things.
29. I am constantly wearing four handmade bracelets.
30. The only foreign country I've been to is Canada.
31. I love cold weather.
32. Warm weather is okay, but I'd like it more without the humidity of Houston.
33. I love the beach.
34. I love the mountains.
35. If you ever asked me to choose, I would not be able to.
36. I love to drive.
37. When I am upset, angry, or extremely pissed off-I drive.
38. But my car gets terrible gas mileage- sorry planet.
39. I always recycle- I try to make up for how un-enviromently friendly my car is.
40. I love citrus-to eat it, smell it, drink it
41. I always listen to music when I drive.
42. I like silence, but there are moments when I have to have noise.
43. I've been told I am a pessimistic person.
44. I'm starting to believe them.
45. I've been told that I am gorgeous, pretty, cute- I've never believed one word of it
46. I wear a size eight and a half shoe.
47. Apparently that is small for my height.
48. To match, I've got small hands too.
49. I like to sing the blues.
50. I wish I lived in a different time period.
51. I've got the wildest friends, and I love them for it.
52. They wake me up from my dismal existence.
53. I am an only child.
54. I had a sister..but she was a miscarriage.
55. Her name would have been Madilyn Leigh Ford.
56. I always think of what my life might have been.
57. I wonder if in an alternate reality she is alive and well.
58. I think a lot.
59. I always wonder about things and people.
60. I like to create scenarios in my head.
61. When I recreate scenes of my life for other people, I always give people outrageous voices.
62. I appreciate a good sense of humor.
63. Of you make me laugh, we're probably going to be great friends.
64. I like to lay in the grass and look at the clouds.
65. I always find pictures in the clouds.
66. I've been told I have an overactive imagination.
67. And there's nothing wrong with that.
68. People watching is pretty fun, too.
69. The Newark Airport is the best-there's so many different people there.
70. I like to dip my french fries into milkshakes.
71. When I was little, I would shine my flashlight up towards the sky at night and write messages to aliens.
72. It's always the best to camp out in the backyard.
73. I've skinny dipped many times in my years.
74. I have one secret that I plan on never telling anybody.
75. I know too many douche bags.
76. But also, I know quite a few amazing people.
77. So I suppose, the amazingness can out weigh the terrible.
78. My favorite movie is Forrest Gump.
79. Oh, Brother Where Art Thou; One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest; and Fried Green Tomatoes come in at close seconds.
80. I know every song on the Forrest Gump soundtrack.
81. As well as everyone on Oh, Brother Where Art Thou.
82. I love the smell on your skin after you've been laying in the sun.
83. My dog, Ruby, is my little best friend.
84. I am not scared of spiders, I find them fascinating.
85. I love birds, if I am reincarnated after I die I always thought it would be sweet if I was a bird.
86. I was raised Catholic, but over the years..I've given up on religion.
87. I believe in what I believe in.
88. When I grow old, I want to love in nature- away from neighbors and bright city lights.
89. I want to travel everywhere-to see everything.
90. Sometimes I wish we could back in time...
91. I love old things-vintage, retro things.
92. I like all music, but I'm more of sixties and seventies fan.
93. I love to read.
94. I am not a fan of those big chunky diamonds hanging off of guys ears.
95. I want to thank my orthodontist for my straight teeth, and for fixing my overbite.
96. I can not wait to leave high school and make a mark on this world.
97. I love to take pictures of people-candid are always the best.
98. Water is the best thirst quencher.
99. I can not wait to go to Alaska this summer.
100. I love the feeling of accomplishing things.

rivers that flow into creased skin
sticking and smearing
rivers that flow into wrinkled knuckles
wet and cold
rivers rolling down ivory plains
rivers of salty desperation
rivers of stupid delusions
rivers of moments long lost
rivers that never end

continued through stains left on the plains
left for the world to see

free

as a bird
as a bird that spreads its feathers that shine against the sun
as a bird that glides with the wind
as one who is nothing like a bird,
be free

wake

UP.
open your squinted eyes.

seeing something out of the corner of your eye
and turning only to see that nothing was there.

frankenstein

"we rest; a dream has the power to poison sleep.
we rise; one wand'ring thought pollutes the day.
we feel, conceive, or reason; laugh or weep
embrace found woe, or cast our cares away;
it is the same: for, be it joy or sorrow,
the path of its departure still is free.
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but mutability"

. .. ........

RUNNING.when you're breathing hard & your muscles want to give out.when you get light-headed and your mouth dries up.

Thats when you know you are alive.

the feeling of numbness that you despise-you just need that prick of pain to wake you up...so you can start over.

RUNNING.that feeling where you are unstoppable, when you're impassable.when you've won and you're running off the quick buzz.
RUNNING.when you breathe so deep it hurts for hours after.
RUNNING.when those muscles just do not feel the same. they're tighter, stronger.
RUNNING.when you trudge along on those days you know it is good for you, but you just don't want to.
RUNNING.the momentum when you're exhausted from it all but you kick it into a sprint for the last stretch and the wind picks up and it feels like everything is cheering you on...

THATS MY RUNNING.

1.23.10

should you move on, or hold onto the past.
the future is unknown, scary.
the past is safe.
i could settle myself in the past and live off memories,
or i could live in the present and set out my future.
i am living in limbo-on the fence; and i don't know whether to jump or to stay.
change is scary.
but it's a new adventure.
i could say YES, and it could be great-the whole time my heart beating wilding in my chest, my brain telling me this is a terrible idea
OR..
I could shy away-lose contact.
make it like it never happened-stay in the past.
be the chicken that picks and tears away at my courage.
I could follow my heart as it yells to take a chance-its been so long
"come, start, risk it"
should i?
i've been floating so long-this may be the moment that brings my feet toward the earth, to grasp the dirt in between my toes, to know that I have found something sturdy to hold on to
...something that is not air.

Asylum Blues

please come tell me your sorrows
lay all your pain on me
we can sift through the haze
and begin to see
together there will be new days

all the long while
through the pain and the vile
as we dissipate the daze
just waiting to set the world ablaze
we contemplate our demise
wondering if they hear out cries
oh, the world is never set in stone
all of us aware of the unknown

as we cry out
we try to figure what is wrong
what is right
we shout
we scream
we make a whole big scene

everything in this world is tilted
all the flowers i have seen have been wilted
please save your life
don't you dare pick up that knife

oh, just please come tell me your sorrows
lay all your pain on me

RUN1

sweat streaming from her hair into her ears, down the sides of her neck, and across her forehead in rivers to her eyelashes. her heart pounding with each second. her muscles constricting and burning from the neverending force exerted. she sucks in gulps of air-her lungs beginning to ache. her body working in overtime...
-running to save her life

SUNSHINE.

once before, the days that stretched out in front of me were dark and dreary- but one very good split decision turned my days around.
i have got something to look forward to each day
something that makes my stomach twist up in nervous anxiety, that makes my heart flutter, and fogs my judgement
its now not enough to hope. and wish.
now i get to act.
very promising.

FLOAT.

i wish to close my eyes, to close them and be able to feel nothing. that everything around me is dissipated -dissolved.
i want to float. float in an abyss that is all my own. if i think of flowers, then i am suspended in a field of wildflowers-each bending with the wind. if i think of water, then i am floating under the sea along coral and fish of different sizes and colors that tickle my skin when they swim pass.
i want to be able to detach myself, but without taking drastic measures.
i want it to be as simple as closing my eyes...
...so that when my lids fall and my eyelashes brush one another, i can anywhere. away from here, and away from life.
to have it all, but to gain nothing. to be nothing. to have nothing-but just that feeling of suspension in air.
to feel free from ties and the bonds that wrap around my hands and keep my wrists fastened together.
as a bird flying. as a fish swimming, i float.
i float over everything. i float over nothing.

the beginning of the inevitable end

that feeling when you get up too fast and you go blind. when all your senses are focused..when your balance is off. it is an uncomfortable feeling.
that moment when you have given up hope..you fought so hard the whole time to believe in it but you have always known this would be the outcome.
the sudden emptiness that becomes you when you realize. that little catch in your chest that was not there that morning, because when you woke up you were giddy with excitement
the moments of covering your smile with a blanket around friends, your cheeks turning a soft pink when you think of him, and the sky high thoughts that you were getting taken away with
...all ended in a subtle but inevitable moment.

Fresh.New.Why not?

so..i do believe this is my first blog entry.
probably not much will occur with this, just a few downtrodden days will appear on this..when I feel as if i have no one to confide to, and please, this is much easier then writing in a journal-didn't like those hand cramps all to much.
so yes. possibly a ecstatic moment or two, but i have been told i am pretty pessimistic for a person of my age.
so those will be few, if at all any.
oh and to be forewarned, i have a scatterbrain, so if i do not make sense all the time..it is most likely due to the fact that i am thinking of more than one thing, and my fingers can not go quickly enough